A Night on the Balcony
by Chewie
Summary: Shinji wonders at the turns of his life while watching a sleeping city from the balcony of the apartment.
1. Shinji

A Night on the Balcony ****

A Night on the Balcony

I went out onto the balcony again last night. It seems to have become a persistent habit. I looked out over the sleeping city. Here and there a car wound slowly, lazily around the streets that were now nearly devoid of life. The moon slung the shadows around in their silvery fashion. Someone told me once that before Second Impact, the moon had an orbit that led it up all the way across the sky. But now with the Earth's lesser tilt, it barely rose above the lower quarter before sinking down again. 

The night air was cool, a pleasant contrast to the heat of the day. It was a time to relax, but my mind still reeled in thought. A lot had happened today. I have started feeling something towards Soryu. I almost feel… jealous of Hikari for getting to spend so much time with her. I don't know what it is, but it is there. I have often wondered what it is to love. Is this it? Would I know it if it came to me?

Surely I love my mother, or the memory of her. That I hold dear to me, but already I can not remember much of her. Feelings mostly. I remember her love. The warmth and compassion she felt towards me. But Soryu is different. She makes my breath and heart quicken and my palms sweat. She still calls me names, but now with less malice, and more playfulness. It is a very disturbing image, but I remember it from somewhere, lying in some warm pool of liquid, Asuka leaning forward "Hey, Shinji, idiot, do you want to become one with me?" When did that happen?

My memories of late have been jumbled together. Things have happened so fast since I arrived. For a while I was unknown, but that gave way to a brief fame, then that gave way again to loneliness. It seems my lot in life that I move through this life abandoned and forsaken for something else. Abandoned by my mother for death. My Father for Eva. My Uncle for these…battles. But maybe this is different. Maybe my life is getting better somehow.

Just thinking about her, my heart nearly leaps from my chest, and flits around in the cool night air, dancing among the beams as though they were warmth from her body near mine. I have never had thoughts like these before either. Am I that messed up? Or is this normal? The stars twinkle at me, but if they are answering my questions, I can't decipher the code. 

Yesterday, in class, we were listening to the teacher drone on, and only I and a few other students were still conscious. Asuka was asleep at her desk, head resting on her folded arms. Her strawberry hair fell to her shoulders, then around her neck, and cascaded off the desk between the edge and her own chest. She stayed like that for a long time, and I found myself studying her. The wrinkles of her shirt at the bend at the shoulder. The thin line of drool that had formed from her mouth to the desk. The soft peaceful serene look on her face that spoke of true contentment. The black marks between the red areas on the connection bands she wore all the time. Her breathing that seemed to add and withdraw color from the room, as though she was the creator of reality at that moment. It was then that I wondered first. Had I grown to love this goddess, who only days ago had scorned me and humiliated me? I bear her no malice, no discontent. She is what I crave, and yet I know not how to contact her.

I hear Pen² snoring through the insulated freezer door. The soft whirring as a missile battery next door goes through its checks. The ticking sound of some insect that just landed at my feet. The ringing in my own ears from straining to hear in the oppressive silence. How I wish to hear her laughter. Real laughter, not the weak façade that she puts up, or the enjoyment at my torment…

Asuka? Who are you? Why have you inflicted me with this passion? Was I your intended target? I am worthy of something so great? What will the next step be? When? Oh that it could happen soon. Patient though I may be, anxious at the same time….

The moon is setting behind the mountains now, casting its haze around them, the diffuse light shooting forwards, marking the sky long after it has sunk from sight. The lawn furniture sitting outside on the balcony is not comfortable. I have long lines in my back by now. They are painful. But more pain, much more pain, would I endure to sit to watch a beautiful night like this, and think the thoughts of love, about a girl so lovely.

As Shinji sat in the chair outside looking over the city, the dark shape watched him, silently, thoughtfully. It wondered what he was thinking about, and why the dreamy look in his eyes and on his face. Her brow furrowed, and she could almost feel his pain and his…love? She backed into the darkness, and went to her room to think on this discovery. She would sit there for a long time before she thought of what to do…

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	2. Asuka

You know, seeing Shinji there watching the slumbering city that night was something that bothered me. I have known him for several months now, and I thought I knew him pretty well. He had never seemed to me to be the type to really think about others with much passion. I had always noticed him sulking, being dragged along by others, and that is why I disliked him so. He had no spark. No purpose. No direction. But even being so still and so thoughtful that night, I saw in him the purpose and direction that had eluded him so long.  
  
He sat there, very still, and just thought. I knew instantly that he was thinking of me. At first, I must admit I was offended. What gave him the right to think about me in anything but a competative role. I was his ally as much as his adversary. One of these days I would defeat an angel single handedly, and I would show him that I did not need his help. This has been the way that I had seen him since I met him. Purposeless as he might have been, he was a threat to my reputation and the recognition that I was destined for. But here he was thinking of me not as a competitor, but with compassion.  
  
Last night I made my own venture out to the balcony to see for myself what the moon and the stillness would bring me. The revelation that Shinji had thought of me perhaps as a freind, perhaps even more required some reflection. It was cool, almost to the point of being cold. Clouds in the sky occasionally blocked out the moon.  
  
Here and there the wind blew dry leaves around in little circles, and poorly maintained street lights flickered on and off. The wind almost made a sighing sound as I sat down, and gathered my thoughts.  
  
Shinji. The spineless jerk. He was so weak, and yet he showed me up in battle so easilly. While he is a little attractive, I would never tell him that. I just can't get past his inability to function well in society. I don't think that he would ever make it in the real world without at least some change. Although he does have a lot of usefull skills. He does almost all of the housework, and there is never a substitute for being able to do things for yourself. But still, if he can't make and keep friends, he is never going to be...what? Happy? Does happiness constitute having friends? Maybe he likes being alone. Although I can't imagine likeing being lonely. And lonliness... Such a desolate feeling. Like there is a gaping hold in your chest, a dull ache that can't be filled or laid to rest. Hey. That rhymed and I didn't realize it.  
  
Every now and then I do catch some confidence in him. I found him playing his cello a few days ago. He did not look lonely or forlorn at all. He was at peace, happy. He played with confidence. With passion even. It was a sad song, more a remembering song. Remembering how things used to be, or how nice something was in the past. I was in my room when he started playing, and while I listened I could almost feel that hole in my chest open up. It made me feel lonely. Even though I have friends and people who like me, I could not help but feel the lonliness embedded in the music.  
  
God, when am I ever going to get to the point? One of these days I guess.  
  
Shinji. The Invincible Shinji. Eaten by an Angel, and ripped his way out of its guts. Had a hole blasted in his chest, and not only ripped off one of the angels arms and used it for his own, but ate the damned thing too. I often wonder if that was him doing it, or had the Eva become aware, and showed us the awesome power it commanded, and the brutality it could bring to bear? I was never so scared as I was when I watched Shinji's Unit 01 covered in blood, looking so much the homicidal maniac standing in the middle of the wrecked city, surveying the carnage it had caused, savoring the death that it had layed upon the angel. I shudder to think that it was pleased at the sight of hunks of dead flesh littering the blasted earth.  
  
Is that strength? Or is strength putting up with me and NERV every day? I heard some bits and peices of his life. I can't say that there is no similarity to my own. And looking back on how I have treated him, I can't say that I blame him for shutting people out. I have been rotten to him. I have berated him relentlessly. Even in the face of his saving my life. He does these things, and I throw it in his face as though I could not care less.  
  
I guess the point is, I... I don't know what I feel for Shinji. Admiration? Sorrow? Friendship? Kinship?..... Love? Surely not. That I would love someone like him? And what if I did? There is absolutely nothing really wrong with him. Of course I guess there isn't. So long as his bits and peices work correctly, right?  
  
Whatever it was, I certainly did not feel for anyone else like that. I have never really admired anyone. I have felt sorry for some people but not really on the same level that I do for him. His life was a tragedy like mine. As freinds, I know him better than anyone, and he knows me better than anyone around here. Even Hikari. Until Hikari steps into an Eva and pilots it alongside me, she would never know that much about me. Kinship... back to the past things again.  
  
Love? Never before have I known love. At least that I remember. I almost don't know my own father, so engrossed in his work as he is. My mother. I don't like thinking or talking about that. None of my friends or fellow students, noone. Although I have gotten the distinct impression that Shinji thinks highly of me, I am just not sure about love. What does that feel like? To be loved. Only time would tell perhaps.  
  
I look back inside the dark apartment. The wall clock reads 2 AM. Fortunately enough tomorrow is a day off. Thinking about the bad things that I have done to Shinji has gotten me downhearted. I really ought to do something to say that I am sorry for treating him like that. I do have some moral standards. And lately I have been violating them left and right when it came to him.  
  
Standing up, my right hip pops, and stretching, so does my lower back, my neck, and my left elbow. I lean on the railing for one last moment of quiet reflection. And then... "I am sorry Shinji."  
  
Time for sleep. Tomorrow, I vow, I will swallow my pride and tell Shinji about how I think of him. What will he think? I hope that he will take me seriously. I would understand however if he thought it was a joke. I have done things like that too him before, and I know it made him feel really bad. Now will be my chance to try and make it up.  
  
Passing by his room, I hear him mumbling in his sleep. I take a quick peek. He is laying off to the side of his futon, curled up, both hands behind his back in some wierd sleeping position. No covers on him. He mumbles again. He must be really tired. He only seems to talk when he is tired.  
  
"I love...you...ghazzzz" He says. Hmmm.  
  
"Who do you love?" I ask softly. Just enough that he can hear me but not so loud that he will wake up.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Who do you love, Shinji?"  
  
"Ummm. Uhhhum.." He takes a few breaths to think it over. I can almost smell the oil burning. "You?"  
  
"Who am I?"  
  
"Asuka. Your Asuka alright." He smiled in his sleep. I put the covers over him, and left the room. That was wierd. I hope he never catches me like that. If he does I hope he sees something provocative. He would have a nosebleed and faint. That would be hilarious. Although... exposing myself. I don't really like the thought of that. Course it would still be funny.  
  
I must have lay in bed continuing to think about things for another hour. But sleep was good. In my dream, we were both there, and we were good friends. It felt good to know someone like that. ****************************************************************************  
  
Pen Pen watched the episode both on the balcony and in Shinjis lovely suite. What kind of game was she playing on him? At least she seemed to be lacking that mischevious atmosphere about here. He would have to keep an eye on develoments. He couldn't let things get bad for the only person who could make food that wouldn't kill him.  
  
OMAKE:  
  
Misato sat out on the balcony watching absolutely nothing happen. The moon was not out tonight. No cars drove by, no wind blew, no lights flickered.  
  
And during the entire hour that she was out there, she worried over the increasingly mountainous pile of damage claims that were piling up on her desk.  
  
"Damned kids." 


End file.
